GUYS.
BUNDYDAWG SAYS HE WANTS TO OFFER ME (TYCO) EMPLOYMENT. HE WANTS ME TO SEND HIM MY RESUMÉ.
PLEASE LEAVE SUGGESTIONS FOR ANY GOOD LINKS FOR GAY PORN SITES AND/OR TROLL LINKS IN THE COMMENTS BELOW, SO THAT I MAY SEND THE BEST ONE(S) TO BUNDYDAWG. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE, FRIENDS.
 |
| STILL NOT AS GAY AS :kenorion |
RICHARD SIMMONS IS A HANDSOME MAN AND A CULTURAL ICON. NO WAY IN HELL HE'S ANYWHERE NEAR AS GAY AS :kenorion
ReplyDeleteI have a bunch of useful skills:
ReplyDelete1) land owning skillz (9.5 bedroom pond house and a bigger house with less bedrooms)
2) throwing parties for our governor and 400 other people
3) able to purchase airline tickets... and use them to ride airplanes
4) talking skillz "...you're not SMART enough to figure out the same thing!!! Actually.... you ARE smart enough.....THAT IS WHAT PISSES ME OFF!"
5) emailing skillz
6) movie quoting skillz/Googling skillz "You know, like Nuncuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills."
7) able to watch cam models without taking pants off (oh shiiiiiiiit)
8) owning 9.5 bedroom pond houses (this one's really important, so it counts as 2 skillz... double whammy)
10) good at getting "you" naked
There is no #9 cause 7 8 9.
[insert LOL face]
So yeah, I'm pretty much qualified to do anything.
If any of this made sense to you, my regular email is Fruitflavoredmentos@gmail.com. Send flattering emails and stroke my epeen/ego please.
Thanks for the time.......................................................... I don't know what an ellipsis is, that's why I add extra dots *see #4 talking skillz*.
HURR DURR... I apologize in advance for my bad spelling and punctuation. I'm tired and pissed off so I really don't care... except I clearly do care since I wrote this to tell you that I don't care.
This is my REAL email address. NO JOKEZ!!!
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL~
I emailed her a picture of some strawberry yogurt flavored Mentos. She's probably going to send me nude pics of herself cause I'm just so amazing and skilled at errrrthing.
I had cock.
The end.
DUDE MENTOS ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE IN REAL LIFE, SORRY CHIEF. AND THANKS FOR THE COMMENTS GUYS, BUT NEITHER OF THESE EVEN ADDRESSED THE MAIN ISSUE AT HAND WTF
DeleteLOL AT THINKING YOU'D GET A SERIOUS ANSWER HERE :kenorion
DeleteWHAT!?
DeleteMentos?
Are?
TERRIBLE?
IN!?
REAL LIFE!?
Dudeman wtf.
I want a job.
I'll work for Bundy corps yo. Gotta pay me 15 fruit flavored Mentos by the hour kk?
You know what I learned the other day about Mentos? While the strawberry is certainly delectable, it holds nothing on a combination of orange and lemon. The way those flavors coalesce creates a whole new spectrum of fruity greatness. I first discovered this when at Wal-Mart and somewhat bored while shopping for a new flannel shirt. The flannel shirts I have now can only be described as well-worn in much the same way as HonestlySrsly's asshole after a drunken night at :kenorions palatial estate. And while :kenorions 17 bedroom mansion has a well-tended garden, we all know it holds nothing on HS's supremely manicured front porch, if you get my meaning. Now back to the main point of this story...I was at Wal-Mart looking for a new flannel shirt and this women, let's call her Becky since that's the name she gave me when she entered her phone number into my phone, began flirting with me. Now when I say she gave me her phone number I would first like to point out that yes I did test the number and yes it was her. It wasn't a fake number like I sometimes receive when I flirt with the ladies at Home Depot which is actually where I got the idea for a new flannel shirt from. I don't think I noticed before that day just how many women who shop at Home Depot wear flannel shirts. Is that a new fashion I'm missing out on? And also why do women who wear flannel shirts always give out fake numbers? I think it was during that time, at Wal-Mart, not Home Depot, after Becky walked away that I started wondering about this whole flannel shirt conspiracy and pulled out one of the many rolls of Mentos I carry with me. This roll had only a few Mentos already taken out and I was working on carefully rolling the packaging back so I could take one out and fold the paper back in to protect said Mentos from pocket lint. Now, as anyone who has ever dealt with Mentos packaging knows, it can sometimes rip a tad bit too much. The rip I experienced was not just a tad bit too much but, quite frankly, a horrendous disaster the likes of which I had never seen before, but goddamn was it glorious. Mentos went flying everywhere, as if I was on the set of a massive porno filming a Himalayan orgy but in this case...
Deleteto be continued due to 4,096 character limit
...continued...
Deleteit was Mentos flying everywhere and not semen and chickens. Now, as these Mentos rained from the sky I was only able to grab and save two of them. Without anywhere to store one of them free of pocket lint, I decided to just eat them both. Orange and lemon seemed like a really bad combination, I must admit. Perhaps as bad a combination as me hooking up with a flannel shirt wearing women, but bad combinations have never stopped me before. When I was on the basketball team in high school we always had to practice combination drills. I was fucking horrible at these. I could never get "the gauntlet" down and just always fucked it up. The coach hated me for it and I think the other players despised me for it as well but I didn't give a shit...if I'm bad at a combination I just keep rolling right through until eventually they just stop running the damn thing. That is probably why we lost so often, sticking to a mostly 2 on 2 hustle, but that's not really my problem since I hated basketball and was just on it since I was the best black player. Now, before I continue, I must say I'm not really black and I only put that in there to see if Sherlocke actually reads though this whole fucking mess of a story. If he does, kudos sir! If not, then my fucking fingers are hurting from typing this for no goddamn reason and I'm kind of pissed about that. So anyway, where was I? Yes, so I had that orange and lemon combination of Mentos and it actually turned out to be pretty fucking good! I never did pick out a flannel shirt from Wal-Mart though. I think when one of the employees came over and began picking up my Mentos, I may have accidentally pushed him away and screamed that those were my mother fucking Mentos and if he didn't get his greedy fucking hands off of them that I would punch him in his tiny little adams apple and rape his eyeball socket. I don't know which eyeball socket I would have gone with, I really didn't think it was going to get that far, but it almost did. He said he was just there to help and I said I'm just here to kick ass and eat Mentos...and buy a flannel shirt. Well, he didn't relent so I punched him in his throat. Now, I neglected to mention that there was a large crowd gathered around us by this time and a few really big guys jumped in to help this guy. Oddly they kept calling him a girl, but let me tell you this was no girl. He/She had a fucking adams apple, I am quite sure of that. I learned to look for those things when in Bulgaria last summer and a few shemales attempted to make the sexy time with me. I could very well have been wrong, I can't know for certain, but I ended up getting my ass kicked pretty fucking bad and I'm being sued by someone named Sarah Miller. I guess Sarah can still be a guy’s name, but I'm going to represent myself and my first action in court will be to get proof that Sarah is not in fact a woman, if that's how they choose to push the case. Hmm, where was I? Oh yeah, so the orange and lemon Mentos is a great combination! Much better than "the gauntlet". Flannel shirt women at Home Depot give fake numbers and don't punch a guy at a Wal-Mart unless you're sure it's a guy, and even then just do it when there isn't a crowd of people around you. Ok, my fucking fingers are about to fall off from typing so much. Later!
I'm black too.
ReplyDeleteAlways go with the right eye socket... it's the right choice.
Sarah is most defs a boys name, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
You know what's a good combination?
Lembas bread...
MOAR LEMBAS BREAD.
I enjoyed your story so much, I'm gonna go try out for the high school basketball team.
sorry tyco i fell asleep after the 1896th character of the first book..they have character limits for a fucking reason.next time just send pictures.( quit the hash before its too late)
ReplyDelete:kenorion
Delete